I think I made a wrong turn

February 26th, 2005 | Filed under Rant

An excerpt from my doodles in class:

Sitting in class today I am once again being berated for the stupidity of people in general. Now I’m not trying to say that people are stupid, well…okay so maybe I am, but I’m sick and tired of being lumped into that overall group.

So I’m a senior @ KU and have hit a brick wall in terms of my attention as well as ability to learn in class. I originally and naively entered college with an intent of attaining enlightenment as well as a bright future. Why is it that after almost 4 years neither are looking to illuminated. Now I’m not saying KU is a wonderful university, it is, and you couldn’t ask for a better college town than Lawrence…but I think I missed the boat in regards to my goals and ambitions for college.

Put is this way, none of the classes I have taken for my major have been in the lest bit enlightening. Have I learned things? Shit yeah, but not the things I really wanted to learn. It is j-school profs hacking there way through shit that has driven me over the edge. They aren’t artists and they aren’t (using bad grammar to piss off the profs :) business peeps either. So I’m basically stuck in this weird nexus of muddled messages. It’s days like to today that I wish I had stayed in the art world as a music major or gone more headlong into film…who knows. All I do know is I’m sick of not talking about anything intellectual or philosophical in class…

I’m just drained. And I’m well aware that it is probably my own fault; I should be reading more on my own…but when? My own free time seems to be equally spread between marketing a new spice line and studying blue-jeans in Argentina…Dostoyevsky always seems to get a little lost in that mix.

Basically, I guess I’m just missing the liberal arts part of my liberal arts education.

I guess I just miss being moved. I miss waking up and actually feeling something. I feel like I’m 21 years old and I’ve been drained of all personality and emotion. I have no passion! I keep asking myself what am I missing and how did I arrive at this mental blockade. I have sooo much, maybe to much in that I don’t feel that I really need or want for anything. I have love, family, friends, I have, I have, I have…but I feel like I have all of these things, and they are wonderful but I’m numb, in that I know I am not truly appreciating it. I feels like the only thing I’m even marginally passionate about (with the exception of girlfriend/family/friends) is this blog…and that’s sad on so many levels.

I’m graduating this spring and I bought my cap and gown today. I made the phone call to mom to let her know , being aware that this is the kind of stuff moms live for. She couldn’t have been more happy. She kept telling me how proud she was that I was graduating…it made me feel better :)

until always: courage